Crazee Burger... Crazy Unique

Choices... Life is about choices and free will. If you don't believe me, ask Eve. She had free will and she jacked it up for all of us. Seriously, who wants an apple? No snake in the entire world could convince me to eat fruit, not even a talking snake (although it'd be way awesome to see a talking snake). Eating fruit is actively going out of your way by making a choice to piss off your taste buds and send them into lynch mode. Now if a talking snake came up to me and bribed me to eat a 60oz Porterhouse in exchange for a sense of "divinity", that story would have a different ending.

Ok, back to burgers. Choices, life is smothered with choices. And Tioli's Crazee Burger in no way deprives you of your capability to go a bit crazy with your burger, hence the pun in the restaurant name. I had mentioned in an earlier blog that In-N-Out is the king of burger customization, and while that statement may have some truth to it, it definitely doesn't offer variety like this place. Crazee Burger offers such a mad variety of cow meat choices (not mad cow... mad variety), each paired with its own hankering of unique variety of burger toppings, that it puts Baskin Robbin's 31 measly flavors to shame.

We chose to go to Crazee's North Park location and while I could spend an entire blog simply writing about the decor, I'll only touch upon one thing that caught my eye: As soon as I sat down, I noticed that the Mona Lisa in the corner was smoking a blunt. Now I'm not sure if that is alluding to her preparing for her burger mackdown by undergoing a self-applied case of the munchies, or if it's just there to make people do a double (sometimes triple) take. It wasn't anything too distracting, but it did make me ponder, and it definitely goes hand in hand with the menu.

Speaking of the menu... Let's talk about it.

This restaurant, claimed by several to be the best in all of San Diego (which in my opinion is somewhat a stretch), has about 30 burgers to choose from on their menu, not to mention customizations that can be added to the burgers. I will give them the credit for variety; they definitely have the best variety in San Diego when it comes to different meats in the foundation of your hamburger ranging from buffalo, wild boar, ostrich, gator, and even venison. Uniqueness is huge when it comes to burger creativity and Crazee Burger is cream of the crop in San Diego. As for being the best overall burger, it may need some work.

Dom and I split two different burgers. Just to give a small back story, we like to go to the restaurant/burger hole under review and get something classic on the menu as well as something kind of "out there" that is specific and unique to that one restaurant. We just like to invest our time wisely... like a timely placed whoopie cushion. And this method gives the restaurant a roundabout opportunity to show us what it can do in our one trip, as well as to give us a glimpse into the restaurant's character.

I'll let Dom get into the specifics of the burger, but let me just say leading into his review: I have a new understanding for the scene from the Lion King where Nala tries to hunt and kill Pumba. I used to hate grown-up Nala because she was trying to tear into Simba's brother from another mother. But taste the burger we had, and you'll know what I mean.

Dominic's Crazee Story:

"crazyyyyy..im crazy for feeling so lonelyyyy"..ah thank you Mr. Willie Nelson for these infatuating lyrics that Patsy Cline so rudely took the claim to fame for. For some reason when I hear the word 'crazy', that song pops in to my head and that is exactly what happened when Justin asked me to join him in a Crazee Burger feast.

I really enjoyed how the restaurant is set up. It has a great small, local burger joint feel to it. Half restaurant/half bar... beer and burgers? Yes please! In my opinion the burger menu was great, every burger was different...different types of meat, cheeses, sauces, everything. It was difficult to narrow down the burgers with all the different choices we had, but the decision to go with a "standard" cheeseburger piled with toppings of our choice- bacon (x2), avocado, and the classics, and also splitting a "crazee" burger was great, I'd recommend any crazee first timer to do this.

The crazee burger that we ate was Ebi the Wild Boar burger. What I wouldn't give to spoon a boar in the wild... Here's what came on the burger: poached red wine pear, mushrooms, bacon, cream, and plum jelly. The fact that it had wild boar as the patty was exactly what drew our attention to this burger. It was very different from any other burger simply because of the accessories between the buns. The boar meat was delightful. To be honest I was not too fond of the pear, but I do appreciate the fact that they went for the "salty then sweet" pallet smacker with the bacon/pear/cream/jelly combo (as the picture to the left prominently displays). I recommend trying this burger! I definitely would like to go back to try more weird, burgers that make you go, "hmmmm...". Next on the list, gator? Kangaroo? Antelope? Oh baby!

Justin's Rating of the Crazee Burger

Meat quality: 5, Creativity/Accessories: 3, Bun: 2, Size: 3, Price: 3, Overall: 16 out of 25

First thing's first, when you go on a quest for the best burger in your region, you're looking for beef. Like a Curves member in relapse, you want the hot juicy stuff. And although I would've never dreamt it up in my search for the best burger, the wild boar is a fantastic option. There was so much flavor, and so much heartiness that it caused some drool to sputter down my cheek. The only two things that didn't make me stand up and applaud for this burger right there in the restaurant were the choices of toppings, and the bun. The intention of the burger was there, but no points are earned for trying. Actually ok, I lied, 3 points in Creativity were earned for trying. The combination of the cream, the mushrooms, and the pear really just didn't compliment the quality of beef found in the boar. In no way did it taste bad to where I wouldn't have it again, but in the search for SoCal's BEST Burger, it didn't exactly make my insides gleam. The bun was nothing too special. For someone who appreciates the finer qualities to offering variety in meat madness (so mad it's crazee! Plug intended), they sure lack on the variety of buns.

Dominic's Rating of the Crazee Burger

Meat quality: 4, Creativity/Accessories: 5, Bun: 2, Size: 3, Price: 3, Overall: 17 out of 25

I gave the meat quality a 4 because of the different varieties of meats and the boar was surprisingly tasty! The creativity and accessories I gave a 5 because of the amount of thought that was obviously put in to these burgers.. just read the menu on their website, it's very respectable in the burger world. The bun was average nothing special, Id like to see them compliment the burgers with different types of buns..take it to a whole new Crazee level! As far as the size to price ratio, it is worth the money.

The Hat. Pastrami's Birthplace.

This restaurant is the pertinent reason that this blog is not held strictly within the San Diego County lines. The Hat, which comes to us outside of San Diego but still graces us with its presence in southern California, is a restaurant native to Los Angeles County and more specifically, San Gabriel Valley in a small town called Alhambra. (This topography lesson is brought to you by my 9th grade Geography teacher, Mrs. Scarbrough... and Wikipedia)

"World Famous Pastrami". Simple, savory, and oh-so-succulent. The Hat is famous for its pastrami, as it rightfully deserves to be. Pastrami sandwiches, Pastrami dips, and hell yes, Pastrami burgers.

Let me paint you a little word picture with my imagination brush... You are wandering throughout the desert, it's scorching hot, and it's been 4 days now. You've managed to survive on water dispelled from the cacti surrounding you. You've been walking for days and still haven't seen a single soul, nor is there any sign of an oasis near by. Basically you're like Moses, and your load of followers that you need to free from captivity are your taste buds; you haven't had a single bite to eat in over 100 hours, and now you're starting to reflect on every single meal that you have ever eaten in your life. The taste of your favorite meals, the smell of the playful aroma of a home cooked meal, the feeling of being full, they're all becoming more and more faint by the second. Imagine you are still wandering around, looking for anything to sink your teeth into that will stop the growling from your roaring stomach. And then you see it, a sign in the distance, it says "World's Best Pastrami". You don't care that you haven't had a bite to eat in almost a week because at this point you'll eat almost anything. But... your first meal just happens to be a hamburger piled high with all of your favorite toppings: lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles, ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, a slice of melted gooey cheese, and one juicy flavor-filled, tender pound of the best pastrami your stomach could dream of. You are finally able to wrap your hands around food, any food, to quiet the roaring belly beast. Now imagine what that first bite is going to taste like. Your mind and your body are going to go into shock therapy with the deliciousness of this palisade of beef topped with the best thing to come out of Romania since Dracula: Pastrami.

Did you imagine what that first bite tasted like? How good did that taste? Okay, get this... EVERY BITE of the Pastrami Burger from The Hat tastes as good as that first bite.

Dominic and I wanted to make the most of our trip up to this place, wasting no morsel of food during our drive. The closest location to San Diego is about 75 minutes up the 5 North, in Lake Forest. So we scaled up there, with Bon Jovi, Van Halen, and other various artists pumping us up on the drive. Somehow Dominic snuck some good old fashioned boy band music into the cavalcade, but that didn't slow us down. We didn't skip a beat. Going from "Panama" to "Backstreet's Back" really didn't break our rhythm. We were focused.

Once we arrived, we decided to order absolutely as much food as we could stuff onto our pallets to make the trip worthwhile. We obviously made the trip for the reputable pastrami burger, but we also heard some rumors about the chili fries, which we couldn't pass up. So we decided to order them both. However, we had way too much on our plate to handle; it was the same feeling the post-Josh Johnson Florida Marlins have every year before they start the season, thinking they can reach .500. Fans, the few and far between fans, just sit there shaking their heads in disbelief as the quest begins, only to fall short mid season and lose hope. That was us with this pile of food staring us in the gut, ready to battle. But we weren't going to go all Dontrelle Willis on this mountain of chow. (If you don't understand that reference, let me know. It's not the best one I could've thought up, but I wanted to stick with the Florida Marlins trail that I already committed to... essentially it means to start strong and finish like shit.) Once we started we didn't stop, just plowed our way through the trail of carbohydrates until we had no more feeling in our bodies, or our arteries.

One onlooker even shouted to test us for steroids (something that the Marlins may want to look into). To this day, no matter how full I was, or how badly I wanted to burst at that moment, it was the happiest I've ever been to not be able to move after a meal. The strategy to overcome this obstacle colossus became something as I could only describe as the "Joey Chestnut technique", which essentially comes down to eating so fast that your stomach doesn't have time to process the fact that it's too full and you're stuffed to the max. But definitely take your time to enjoy the juices from the pastrami to glide down your throat and sit atop your small intestine until your heart is clogged, and your cholesterol-filled valves are content.

Dominic:

Now I know what those brave soldiers that conquer Mount Everest feel like, it would be as if Everest were a mountain made of delicious pastrami and I had to eat my way up it. If I could describe this pastrami burger with one word it would be "pastramitasical"...yea thats right, pastrami mixed with phenomenal and fantastic. This burger was well worth the trip and would do it again any day. The way The Hat makes their pastrami so juicy and flavor filled blows my mind. The best part was the combination of different flavors in every bite.. the pastrami hits you like heaven, with a solid bite of beef to go along with the other treats in between the buns. To make the trip worth every penny we decided to go with the chili cheese fries. Which were also very good, but make you want to fall in to a slight coma for about 6 hours.. but hey, the things we do for some great grub right?! Right.

Justin's Rating of the Pastrami Burger (The chili fries were just for fun)

Meat quality: 5, Creativity/Accessories: 4, Bun: 2, Size: 4, Price: 3, Overall: 18 out of 25

My review isn't going to contain too many bad adjectives while revisiting my experience with The Hat. Taste was phenomenal, so was the creativity/presentation. It was different enough from your standard burger to make it worth trying, but didn't deviate too much trying to be something it's not. My only downside with this whole experience is that the bun would fall apart in the middle of your meat meltdown. The price is decent around the $7.50 price range, but you definitely get your money's worth. Did I mention filling?

Long story full: If you are looking for creativity from an ordinary burger, or if you are looking to stuff your face, or even just take a drive with your buddy to get out of the norm, I'd definitely recommend this trip to sink your teeth into some phenomenal pastrami with a side of burger.

Dominic's Rating of the Pastrami Burger

Meat quality: 5, Creativity/Accessories: 3, Bun: 2, Size: 4, Price: 3, Overall: 17 out of 25

The meat quality was great as I had said before, I've never tasted such juicy and tasty pastrami in my life, especially on a burger. The creativity of the burger was alright in my opinion, nothing too extravagant, but for us meat eaters it looked mighty fine! You got your average bun which could be better but when you got the size and the flavors that this burger does the lack of bun is ok.

In-N-Out. The 10x10 Challenge.

** In-N-Out. In-N-Out. That's what a hamburger's all about. **

The jingle sells the burger. I really don't need to write anything. But if I did that, then there wouldn't be any relevance to this blog, and I'd probably go back to concentrating on more important things in life other than the pursuit of patty perfection. However... I'm determined to wrap my mouth around that warm, juicy beef trophy, once we find it that is. So onward we tread.

Anyone living in the southwest region of the U.S. will testify to the statement that In-N-Out is arguably one of the best, if not the best, fast food burgers on the market. And I only say southwest region because the up-and-coming restaurant chain has yet to penetrate the mouths east of Nevada. It's really a no brainer that we needed to include In-N-Out on this list of qualifiable burgers in the competition. Some people list this as one of their favorite burgers, while others say it is a superior fast food burger but it's no match compared to some of the others out there. Which explains why there's absolutely no reason why it shouldn't at least be considered as a contestant. In-N-Out consistently has some of the freshest patties I've ever tasted from a burger hole that has a drive-thru, which is what keeps me coming back. The burger from which the restaurant gained its reputation is the iconic Double-Double. It stacks two freshly made patties on top of one another, each with it's own slice of American cheese, topped with crisp lettuce, tasty onion, and tomato. All of these classic ingredients are sandwiched by buns layered with In-N-Out's signature Spread sauce.

Since Dominic and I have eaten In-N-Out at least a hundred times together, we thought we'd do something a little different for this one. I mean, it is in fact our first stop on the train to So Cal burger stardom, so we can't just eat a burger and tell you how it is. That's not fair to our readers, and it's really not that fair to me. Because it really gets Dominic off the hook in his "commencement ceremony" embarking the journey. And I love to mess with him. So I chose torture.

For a little background, if you know anything about In-N-Out, then you know that a first timer might need a thesaurus just to place an order. I say this only because the restaurant has, in a way, its own vocabulary. This restaurant may only have 4 food items on the menu (hamburger, cheeseburger, Double Double, and french fries), but it is the king of burger customization. You can place an order from the "secret menu" that wraps your burger in lettuce instead of a bun to save on carbs (Protein Style, see picture left), you can order your meal with extra pickles and grilled onions (Animal Style), or only 2 patties, 2 slices of cheese and no bun (Flying Dutchman), followed by several other forms of modification too many to list here.

The one that Dominic and I flock to time and time again is the simple form of increasing the size of your burger. The standard Double Double is a 2x2 (2 slices of meat topped with 2 slices of cheese). You have the choice to upgrade your burger to a 3x3, 4x4, 2x4 (2 cheeses, 4 meats), etc. So we decided that it was best to go with something that really would test the restaurant's quality of their reputation, and order the 10x10. Unfortunately In-N-Out created a policy, most likely due to health related issues, that the biggest burger you can order is a 4x4. So we decided to each order 2 4x4's and a Flying Dutchman to give us the quantity of the 10x10, packed with an extra set of buns. So with this test we were determining whether size or any other aforementioned customizations affect the quality of this restaurant's burgers. This... is what it came out to be:

Now I'm not going to lie, the moment they called out my number and I got the first glance at the Sasquatch of fast food orders that you see here, I panicked a little. Getting cold feet before taking on a challenge such as this one is normal; it'd only be natural to look at a behemoth like this and start to wonder how it would all fit in the gut. Peeing yourself, however, is compliments of the house. We each consumed one of these "should be honorarily named to the 7 Great Wonders of the World" helpings of burger. And the moment that we were finished, literally the second I wiped away that last morsel of burger residue off my lip... regret set in. Now don't mistake me here. Regret in no way was piling itself onto my lower intestine due to the lack of quality or taste in this burger. It was solely due to the amount of food I just jammed down my throat. Have you ever been so hungry that you exclaimed you could eat a horse? After eating this, I will never make that statement again. My Great Wall of China is the 10x10 from In-N-Out. It wasn't necessarily too much for me to handle, but that much cheese really did me in. I went down faster than Kim Kardashian did for Reggie Bush. I had to be wheeled out to my car. I was so full that I was secretly hoping that someone in the drive thru would give me a ride to the other end of the parking lot to pick up my car. Well played, 10x10.



However, even though that the pain had set in from consumption, it in no way affected the quality of their food and/or presentation. My vote for this fast food chain still ranks highly compared to others in its category. But my recommendation for portion size is to probably stick to the main menu, unless you're packing Pepto.

Dominic:

My experience with this meat mammoth... if you plan on eating the infamous 10x10, I recommend having by your side: pepto and anything that will help you get the cheese and grease flowing through your insides faster than normal.. you can see where this is going. I will save you my personal details of the few days post 10x10. Once again me and Justin had this brilliant idea to stuff our faces just so we can say "yea, we ate that". The fact that we each ate this beast in just about 13 minutes each says a lot about us...we are pigs. This cheesy mess really did me dirty. In conclusion to this FML of an idea, I personally will never eat this again..I was plugged up longer than Richard Simmons on a friday night and let me tell you that it is not enjoyable! Final Score~ 10x10: 1 - Dominic: 0

Justin's Rating (Based on the Double-Double)

Meat quality: 3, Creativity/Accessories: 3, Bun: 2, Size: 2, Price: 5, Overall: 15 out of 25

While the meat quality is above what I've seen at other fast food places, it doesn't compare to some of the burgers I've tried. The lettuce and tomatoes are always fresh tasting, and the signature spread sauce is fantastic. The bun is that of a fast food chain caliber and the size of the standard Double Double is great for its price, but nothing in comparison to some I've seen. All in all, you're definitely getting more than your money's worth with this burger costing under $4.00.

Dominic's Rating (Based on the Double-Double)

Meat Quality: 4, Creativity/Accessories: 3, Bun: 2, Size: 2, Price: 5, Overall: 16 out of 25

In-n-out has always been a "go to" place for me to grub when in the mood for a quick burger. The freshness of all the ingredients is what attracts me the most as compared to other burger chains. The simplicity of the menu also makes it easy for the indecisive folk(such as myself) to make a quick selection. For the quality, size and freshness of this burger the price it is yet to be beat. Highly recommended for the quick burger craving!

Claim Jumper Restaurant - The Widow Maker

This burger from Claim Jumper Restaurant in La Mesa, CA is what inspired me to create this blog. I took this trip solo as my first stop along the burger haven to CJ's House O' Epic Meal Portions before I coerced Dominic into going on this trail of tears with me.

This burger is called the Widow Maker, and holy Jesus, that's exactly what it is...

This slice of Angus heaven, covered with a healthy layer of cheddary goodness, topped with slices of Applewood smoked meat candy (aka bacon) as well as 4 slices of avocado. I can only imagine that avocado is what God intended when he said forbidden fruit. No idea where Eve pulled out the horse manure idea of apples being the forbidden fruit; cite your sources Eve. Then it's piled on with crisp lettuce, savory onion, perfectly ripe tomato slices, and crispy onion rings (I chose without), all sandwiched between two giant, buttery Ciabatta rolls covered in a healthy layer of Mayo, Red Relish, and Thousand Island (optional) makes for one devilish combo.

Let me tell you... that first bite is completely indescribable. The combination of the sauces dripping into the perfectly cooked patty mixed with the Trio of Thunder (Avocado, Cheddar, and Bacon) just sends your 'buds into overdrive. If I could have sex with any burger, this just might be the one. But I wouldn't take advantage of this burger. It wouldn't be some drunken mistake where we sleep together, then awkwardly high five the next morning as I stumble out of its apartment. No. I would treat this burger with respect! I would take it out to a nice dinner (obviously not out for burgers because that's just cannibalism), to a movie, and then I would call a few days later. And we would be so happy together until one night... when I get a late night hunger attack, and make myself a widower.


Thus... the meaning that lies behind the legend that is the Widow Maker.

Justin's Rating
Meat Quality:  4, Creativity/Accessories: 4, Bun: 3, Size: 5, Price: 3,  Overall: 19 out of 25
The quality of this meat was cooked to almost absolute perfection with a thorough pink center; the meat juices spread throughout the entire burger, unfortunately it got to the point where it started making the bread soggy. The accessories and creativity were your classic bacon, avocado, cheddar cheese. Now if it were just those accessories, I'd consider a lower score. But the bacon was thick, the avocado fresh, and they offered it with onion rings and thousand island dressing which bumped it up on the scoring scale. The bun was nothing too special, but it was large enough to contain the mountain of meat piled high with condiments, so it got a good score. The size got a perfect score because afterward I was full. But it was the good kind of full; almost to the point where I couldn't move, but not quite. And the price was a little on the pricey side, coming in at just under $10 for a burger and fries. But I'm not complaining too much. I was happy when I left. I was 3 pounds heavier, but I was happy nonetheless.